December 2011
30 posts
I'm listening to my wife help her mother connect...
It’s like listening to a “Who’s On First” routine, only profoundly unfunny and featuring a lot of the word, “Belkin.”
frageelay asked: I don't know the band's name yet, but their first release: Hockey Sweater.
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I'M IN THE GROCERY STORE ON CHRISTMAS EVE AND...
WHILE BEING FORCED TO LISTEN TO THIS SONG ON A LOOP
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My wife insisted that I mull her some wine, so...
Damn, it’s hard to be a gangster.
And yes, I realized that I was writing "Kris...
This message brought to you by spiced wine and the letters O C D.
We went to the Christkindel Market , and now I'm...
*Spirit Of Christmas may be a euphemism for hot, spiced wine
19 Days
I left the office two hours ago.
One of my staff gave me scotch for Christmas.
The title of this post? That’s how long until I go to work again.
This more than balances out the fillings I got this morning and the resulting jaw pain.
Imma just lay here on the couch now.
For almost three weeks.
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This is pretty much Standard Operating Procedure...
Her: I need some help.
Me: What with, Kiddo?
Her: Can you grab that wig-
Me: Sure!
Her: -and put it on my butt?
Me: ...
Her: I'm making a butt puppet.
Me: ...
Her: ...
Me: ...
Me: Oh, what the hell...[puts wig on her butt]
Her: [wig on her butt, pointed at me] 🎶Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul. With a corncob pipe and a butt-on nose...🎶 GET IT?! BUTT-on!!
FIN
So, this is my life, now.
Cat: Hey. Hey, you. Human.
Me: ...
Cat: Human. Human. Huuuuuuuuuuuumaaaaaaaaaan.
Me: ...
Cat: HEY. HUMAN. I'M TALKING HERE.
Me: *sigh* What.
Cat: I just wanted to tell you something. About this morning.
Me: ...
Cat: I said, I just wanted to tell you something about this morning.
Me: Oh, you mean *this* morning? When you attacked presents and the Christmas tree over and over and over despite repeated water gun squirtings and my many, many profanities?
Cat: Yeah, that's the one.
Me: Well, what do you have to say for yourself?
Cat: Well, I just wanted to say... I just wanted to say... I know I was being a dick.
Me: You what?
Cat: Yup. Looking back, I totally realize that I was a First Class, A-1, dick.
Me: Well. I have to say, I'm surprised to hear you admit this, but thank you. Thank you so much for your apolog-
Cat: I just don't care.
Me: What?
Cat: I was a dick. But I just don't care.
Me: ...
Cat: And I'll totally do it again. I'd give it five, ten minutes tops.
Me: ...
Cat: Now pet me.
Me: ...
Cat: Then maybe shower. I can still smell that chili on you from three days ago.
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: *pets cat*
FIN
“When you finish your homework, you can watch Rich’s video on the Internet!!!”
– Angry Old Coot (via ashamedtosay)
I would like to point out for the record that I am contributing to the education of America’s youth by doing impossibly stupid shit on the Internet. USA! USA! USA! (via anarchyandscotch)
I only allow my daughter to watch the finest Internet Videos Depicting The...
Sometimes when I’m driving to work, I sing...
I’ve never had the imminent death of physical bookstores - and, perhaps, the written word in general - communicated to me so firmly as it was just now in a Bed Bath and Beyond, where their giftcard rack featured not a single representative from the Barnes and Noble franchise, yet had six separate rows dedicated to Cracker Barrel.
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Oh, nothing. Just standing by the Christmas tree,...
You?
“Ain’t no party like a Thundercat party ‘cause a Thundercat party...”
– Me, this morning, showing you why you wish you lived here. Or something.
Scenes From The Train
[Our hero sits down in a recently vacated seat. The man he sits next to scowls.]
Oh, I’m sorry. Was sitting next to you a total dick move? I mean, you’re right here next to an open seat, out in public, but me coming here, daring to sit next to you, did that make me rude? Did that make me a dick?!
What’s that?
It did?
Really?!??
[Our hero giggles uncontrollably, and...
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There is no surer sign of unfettered self-loathing...
Guess what I just did?
In my defense, I was alone at the time
So, I was doing something a little earlier this morning, and it was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. Ridiculously easy, in fact. I even thought to myself, “That was ridiculously easy.” But when I said something out loud to express that (I say a lot of things out loud to myself (Shut up!).), this is what came out:
“That was ridonculeezy!”
I instantly froze...