January 2011
52 posts
December 2010
63 posts
"Hold on. First I have to play this game called,...
What is, “Things I say before sweeping under my kid’s bed,” Alex.
If you answer "yes" to the next three questions, I...
1) Are you, at the very least, tolerant of bourbon?
2) Do you live somewhere near a Trader Joe’s?
3) Do you enjoy putting things in your mouth?
If you’re still with me, do the following:
Go to Trader Joe’s.
Buy a bottle of their Pear Cinnamon Cider.
If you don’t have bourbon at home, go buy some (I prefer Makers for this, but it’s your call).
Come...
As I gift to you all, I recorded myself reading...
"I got you a Cubs Wrigley Field ornament that I...
My wife. She says stuff.
Doing the same thing over and over while expecting...
Or something.
Grover Violet Lives Here: What say you tumblr? →
ashamedtosay:
groverviolet:
I’ve heard all different terms spinning and sliding your car around in a circle in slippery stuff:
Donuts
Cheerios
Whipping Shittys
Fish tailing
Power sliding
Uncontrolled skidding
Whipping a shit hook (this ‘technically’ is a 180 degree power slide turn)
We always called them cheerios…
Fishtailing is the thing I did when I lost control, had uncontrolled...
For those of you in Chicago
The place we went for lunch is called The Purple Pig.
Go there when you can have wine with lunch/dinner/whatever. Go there a lot.
This has been a public service announcement from AngryOldCoot Inc.
And on top of the gift, my staff are taking me to...
Seriously, I’m going to have to bring them back solid gold monkeys, or something.
And then everyone died when I irradiated them with...
Something, something, still just a rat in a cage, something, something.
elvisbrady-deactivated20120413 asked: What is this running theing you are doing?
Boys Are Icky
I went into a bathroom stall earlier today, and what did I find, but a seat that was sprinkled with urine, like it had been spattered with a particularly unruly hose (come to think of it, I suppose it was).
This is just one of many reasons why a penis should come with a license test.
Clarification: Whomever this individual was, saw fit to get the job done with the seat down. Now, that’s a...
2 tags
Tumblr Assignment
Intangible: I am smart. Very, very smart.
Tangible: Although I’ve let it fall into significant disrepair, I still have a good singing voice.
Since I spent all last night bitching about the...
that we’re sitting here listening to Synchronicity, me reading, her drawing.
Fine. I’ll keep her, then.
We just watched an episode of Fraggle Rock, and...
BRB. Punching my childhood in the face.
Now we're watching old episodes of Inspector...
I have never been more convinced that a show was part of an alien plot to expunge all of human sentience.
This Wiggles movie I'm being forced to watch that...
So, yeah. Dead inside.
"I love you, Justin Bieber."
What is, “The thing my daughter just said to get herself written out of the will,” Alex.
Your Child Is An Asshole, And Other Unfortunate...
Michelle spoke some truth earlier.
And since today sucks ass and eggs, and I’m devoid of the ability to come up with original content at the moment, I’m reblogging a post from a million years ago that’s relevant to her post.
Enjoy. Or something.
angryoldcoot:
Last night I mentioned half-jokingly that I would write a book with the above title. Well, I did about 800 totally...
I do not have nearly enough ways to tell this day...
Dear Science,
Fish sticks.
Tater tots.
That cook at the same temperature.
And finish at the same time.
WHY IS THIS SO HARD SCIENCE DROP EVERYTHING AND MAKE THIS HAPPEN NOW OR I’M GOING TO DO SOMETHING I’LL REGRET I MEAN PRIORITIES PEOPLE WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME THIS IS IMPORTANT STOP CALLING THE COPS
The trade goes like this:
First, I took the TV, watching the Oregon game for three and a half hours.
Now, the kid gets the TV, watching The Squeakquel.
Also now, the Baby Jesus weeps.