February 2012
11 posts
It's going around
I called the school this morning to tell them Seven wouldn’t be in because she was sick. The nice office lady said she was sorry, and asked what was going on, was it a cold? I said, no, it was a fever with vomiting. She said, oh, poor dear, that’s been going around, I’ll let her teacher know.
I hung up and thought: that’s been going around? Anything that’s ever going...
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And now to sing Rich my version of “Happy...
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Today, I've been in the Nordstrom cosmetics...
My vagina’s coming along quite nicely.
I just spent 10 minutes in a Justice store, and...
Your "Like" On my post about running the Marathon...
ashamedtosay:
Because I decided to register again for this thing and I didn’t talk to you about it beforehand because I was scared you would not be excited about it, because you know it is kind of a pain in the ass for you, as the person married to me.
So your “Like” on my posts about running the Marathon again this year is understood by me as your way of saying it is OK and you aren’t...
The most important conversation a father can have
Me: Hey, kiddo. We need to talk.
Seven: Okay, dad.
Me: There's been some stuff on TV lately. I know you've seen it.
Seven: What stuff?
Me: I'll get to that. Because I think it's important I explain what's going on.
Seven: Well...okay.
Me: There have been a lot of images. Things I don't know if you're prepared for. So I want to make sure it's clear what's happening. Or, rather, what has happened.
Seven: Dad, you're freaking me out.
Me: I'm sorry kiddo. I don't mean to. It's just that this is a big deal. A really big deal. And I don't want to screw this up.
Seven: Dad, stop it! What's going on?
Me: Sorry. Sorry. I should just come out and say it. I think you can handle it.
Seven: ...
Me: Here we go.
Seven: ...
Me: I'm going to say it now.
Seven: ...
Me: Really. Here it comes.
Seven: WILL YOU JUST TELL ME ALREADY.
Me: Okay. This may be hard for you to hear. I just hope I'm doing the right thing.
Seven: !!!
Me: ...
Seven: ...
Me: Maybe if I just say it really fast-
Seven: DAD!
Me: Fine. Okay.
Seven: ...
Me: JarJarBinksistheworstcharacterinthehistoryofhumansandsinglehandedlyruinedeverythinggoodintheworld.
Seven: ...
Me: ...
Seven: ...
Me: ...well-
Seven: SERIOUSLY!?!!
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January 2012
11 posts
Seven is playing detective
The cat is one of her helpers.
She named it “Conundrum.”
*DYING*
Ov•er•syl•lab•i•ti•za•tion
That’s word I just made up.
It’s meant to describe when someone inserts unnecessary syllables into a word.
It has eight syllables.
I am The World’s Greatest Monster Genius.
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My 18 year old brain took over this morning
Every morning I drop Kris off by her office, then drive back up to my office and park. This ends up yielding about 10 minutes of me being by myself in the car, which in turn yields roughly the same quantity of talking to myself, singing, and robust farting (okay, mostly farting). Today, after a couple of minutes, the worst possible scenario occurred.
I began spontaneously singing “Music Of...
“Or, alternately, you could not stand on my dick.”
– Conversations With My Cat
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donthenerd replied to your post: I just got an email from the Emergency Closing Center automatic notification service telling me of a status change at my office
I wrote that software. I also programmed your ATM. I also invented video rental late fees.
Ladies and Gentlemen: History’s. Greatest. Monster.
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itsmagi replied to your post: I just got an email from the Emergency Closing Center automatic notification service telling me of a status change at my office
Good thing! Now put all that stuff back before somebody notices.
Really? Because I was just thinking I should put some pants on…
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I just got an email from the Emergency Closing...
It told me that it’s open.
Right now.
While I’m sitting in it.
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“🎶She’ll be farting ‘round the mountain when she comes.
She’ll...”
– Seven. All day, every day.
December 2011
30 posts
I'm listening to my wife help her mother connect...
It’s like listening to a “Who’s On First” routine, only profoundly unfunny and featuring a lot of the word, “Belkin.”
frageelay asked: I don't know the band's name yet, but their first release: Hockey Sweater.
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I'M IN THE GROCERY STORE ON CHRISTMAS EVE AND...
WHILE BEING FORCED TO LISTEN TO THIS SONG ON A LOOP
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My wife insisted that I mull her some wine, so...
Damn, it’s hard to be a gangster.
And yes, I realized that I was writing "Kris...
This message brought to you by spiced wine and the letters O C D.
We went to the Christkindel Market , and now I'm...
*Spirit Of Christmas may be a euphemism for hot, spiced wine
19 Days
I left the office two hours ago.
One of my staff gave me scotch for Christmas.
The title of this post? That’s how long until I go to work again.
This more than balances out the fillings I got this morning and the resulting jaw pain.
Imma just lay here on the couch now.
For almost three weeks.
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This is pretty much Standard Operating Procedure...
Her: I need some help.
Me: What with, Kiddo?
Her: Can you grab that wig-
Me: Sure!
Her: -and put it on my butt?
Me: ...
Her: I'm making a butt puppet.
Me: ...
Her: ...
Me: ...
Me: Oh, what the hell...[puts wig on her butt]
Her: [wig on her butt, pointed at me] 🎶Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul. With a corncob pipe and a butt-on nose...🎶 GET IT?! BUTT-on!!
FIN
So, this is my life, now.
Cat: Hey. Hey, you. Human.
Me: ...
Cat: Human. Human. Huuuuuuuuuuuumaaaaaaaaaan.
Me: ...
Cat: HEY. HUMAN. I'M TALKING HERE.
Me: *sigh* What.
Cat: I just wanted to tell you something. About this morning.
Me: ...
Cat: I said, I just wanted to tell you something about this morning.
Me: Oh, you mean *this* morning? When you attacked presents and the Christmas tree over and over and over despite repeated water gun squirtings and my many, many profanities?
Cat: Yeah, that's the one.
Me: Well, what do you have to say for yourself?
Cat: Well, I just wanted to say... I just wanted to say... I know I was being a dick.
Me: You what?
Cat: Yup. Looking back, I totally realize that I was a First Class, A-1, dick.
Me: Well. I have to say, I'm surprised to hear you admit this, but thank you. Thank you so much for your apolog-
Cat: I just don't care.
Me: What?
Cat: I was a dick. But I just don't care.
Me: ...
Cat: And I'll totally do it again. I'd give it five, ten minutes tops.
Me: ...
Cat: Now pet me.
Me: ...
Cat: Then maybe shower. I can still smell that chili on you from three days ago.
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: *pets cat*
FIN
“When you finish your homework, you can watch Rich’s video on the Internet!!!”
– Angry Old Coot (via ashamedtosay)
I would like to point out for the record that I am contributing to the education of America’s youth by doing impossibly stupid shit on the Internet. USA! USA! USA! (via anarchyandscotch)
I only allow my daughter to watch the finest Internet Videos Depicting The...
WatchNeedless to say, this is the most important thing you will watch today. Or this year. Or ever.
anarchyandscotch:
Because of a generous contribution to my fundraising drive for The Arthritis Foundation, a couple of Tumblr folks bought the right to decide what I’d do for the next Things I Do When My Wife Goes Out of Town video.
Well, my wife is out of town. Derek and Kris (angryoldcoot and...
Sometimes when I’m driving to work, I sing...
I’ve never had the imminent death of physical bookstores - and, perhaps, the written word in general - communicated to me so firmly as it was just now in a Bed Bath and Beyond, where their giftcard rack featured not a single representative from the Barnes and Noble franchise, yet had six separate rows dedicated to Cracker Barrel.
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Oh, nothing. Just standing by the Christmas tree,...
You?
“Ain’t no party like a Thundercat party ‘cause a Thundercat party...”
– Me, this morning, showing you why you wish you lived here. Or something.
Scenes From The Train
[Our hero sits down in a recently vacated seat. The man he sits next to scowls.]
Oh, I’m sorry. Was sitting next to you a total dick move? I mean, you’re right here next to an open seat, out in public, but me coming here, daring to sit next to you, did that make me rude? Did that make me a dick?!
What’s that?
It did?
Really?!??
[Our hero giggles uncontrollably, and...
