Except, my idol was a urine-soaked clump of cat litter, and I didn’t have a counter-weight.
I’m going to get steamrolled by a giant can of Friskies, aren’t I?
[Scene: Me, leaving my office at lunch, with my laptop bag]
Whomever: Hey there! You leaving already?
Me: Nope. Just going to lunch.
Whomever: Oh! You had your bag, so I thought you might be leaving.
Me: No. I’ll be back. I’m just doing some writing while I eat.
Whomever: Writing? Oooo, how exciting! What are you writing, The Great American Novel [chuckles]?
Me: Um…no. No, I’m writing a biography.
Whomever: Wow! Really? Of who?
Me: No one, really.
Whomever: Oh, come on, you can tell me!
Me: Really, it’s not important.
Whomever: Come on, please!
Me: Okay, fine. I’ll tell you.
Me: It’s your mom. I’m writing a biography of your mom.
Me: It’s called, “Not So Loud, The Neighbors Will Hear: Adventures in Ill-Advised Lubrication: A Love Story”
Me: Have a nice day!
I BOUGHT THE WRONG FLAVOR OF YOGURT
Them: Congratulations on your recent 15-year service anniversary! Please let me know if you would like your name mentioned in an upcoming [company newsletter] and confirm your department name for publishing.
Me: Thanks! No need to include me in [company newsletter], though. The bitter, open weeping with every congratulatory email would get awkward after a while.
- The Meh Gatsby
- Pride and Making a Judgment About Something Before Knowing the Relevant Facts
- Sun Tzu’s I Fucked Your Mom, So Let’s Fight
- Dingleberry Finn
- The Really Angry Grapes
- For Whom The Bells Will Not Shut The Hell Up
- The Shortstop in the Rye
- The Poodle of the Baskervilles
- Lady Chatterly Gets Busy Yo
- Killing Mockingbirds is Bad
- Of Dudes and Other Rodents
- A Red Letter A
I JUST CROPDUSTED MY OWN OFFICE
Take a bunch of cats, force feed them catnip, then lock them in a room with a piano where the only light source is a rapidly spinning disco ball, and you have what it’s like watching sixty pre-schoolers try to sing “Do-Re-Mi.”