Your Presence Is Surprising


  1. GPOY

    GPOY

  2. The ten year old’s story was that she wanted some swim goggles for when they went to the pool at camp, but I’m pretty sure it was just an elaborate ruse for her to maniacally snicker at the name of the store watermarked on the receipt.

  3. Life is weird, man.

    I knew this guy in theatre school (me in the grad program, him in undergrad), and he was a nice guy. We did a couple shows together in school, and he directed a play I was in after we graduated. I liked him, although we’ve had no further contact, and he’s done okay for himself. Did an episode of Buffy, got a recurring role on Gilmore Girls. Good stuff.

    I knew he came from a big family out of St. Louis, but that’s really all I knew. Many years later, I exchanged some emails and pleasantries with a Cardinals blogger for a while (I was blogging about the Cubs at the time), and eventually found out that he was one of the older brothers of the guy I went to school with. Crazy.

    The older brother friended me on Facebook, and while we don’t communicate anymore, I see things about his life in my feed every once in a while, and it’s kind of nice.

    All of which is to say that this afternoon, I saw on my Facebook feed, the director of Guardians of the Galaxy posting the results of the Buzzfeed quiz he took about which Guardian of the Galaxy he would be (he was Drax). Because the guy I knew from blogging commented on it. Because they’re brothers, too.

    Life is weird, man.

  4. A new house needs a new keychain.

    A new house needs a new keychain.

  5. Don’t fuck your bookcase. It will break.

    Don’t fuck your bookcase. It will break.

  6. Steve wants you to know that he doesn’t have an issue with the amount of time the subcommittee took to decide that they would patch the roof rather than fix the leak.

    ashamedtosay:

    He thinks it was a great amount of time.  He is happy to fix the damage to our condo (which I already fixed in January) sometimes in August. You know - two months after we move out. 

    Steve is very committed to ensuring that his red tape bureaucracy remains in tact.

    Steve is someone else’s problem. 

    I would like to officially add that, in my humble opinion, the above referenced gentleman is welcome, at his leisure, to consume his fill of salty, chocolate frosted dicks.

  7. I was driving, and there was a sign advertising “Brake Pads”.

    Except I thought it said “Snake Rides”.

    Guys, I was so scared.

  8. Dear Sir/Madam,

I would like to extend my sincere apologies for burning your building down. It’s my understanding you were fond of it, in no small part due to it being designed by Mies van der Rohe, a classic example of his genius. I can sympathize with your feelings of grief, and would likely feel similarly were our positions reversed. 

However, I must point out that when our office space was being constructed, the contractors saw fit to install one of the light fixtures near my office in such a manner that it was out of alignment with the other fixtures. Being an individual familiar with the workings of the world, I’m sure you realize, regrettable as it might be, that my only choice was the ritual cleansing of the inferno. 

Thank you very much for your time, and if it’s not too much trouble, please ask the police to cease their pursuit of me. 

Yours Most Warmly,

Coot

    Dear Sir/Madam,

    I would like to extend my sincere apologies for burning your building down. It’s my understanding you were fond of it, in no small part due to it being designed by Mies van der Rohe, a classic example of his genius. I can sympathize with your feelings of grief, and would likely feel similarly were our positions reversed.

    However, I must point out that when our office space was being constructed, the contractors saw fit to install one of the light fixtures near my office in such a manner that it was out of alignment with the other fixtures. Being an individual familiar with the workings of the world, I’m sure you realize, regrettable as it might be, that my only choice was the ritual cleansing of the inferno.

    Thank you very much for your time, and if it’s not too much trouble, please ask the police to cease their pursuit of me.

    Yours Most Warmly,

    Coot

  9. "Good afternoon, sir. I’m calling to inquire about your poo needs."

"…my what, now?"

"Your poo needs."

"My…poo needs?"

"Yes, sir. I was calling to see if you needed some poo."

"…"

"Because that’s what we do. We provide poo. We’re what you might call a ‘poo service’"

"A ‘poo service’?"

"You betcha, sir. Best poo service in the city."

"There’s…there’s more than one?"

"Not as such, sir, no, but believe me, if there were others, we’d be the best, no question."

"…"

"No. Question."

"…"

"So, how many bushels can I put you down for?"

*click*

    "Good afternoon, sir. I’m calling to inquire about your poo needs."

    "…my what, now?"

    "Your poo needs."

    "My…poo needs?"

    "Yes, sir. I was calling to see if you needed some poo."

    "…"

    "Because that’s what we do. We provide poo. We’re what you might call a ‘poo service’"

    "A ‘poo service’?"

    "You betcha, sir. Best poo service in the city."

    "There’s…there’s more than one?"

    "Not as such, sir, no, but believe me, if there were others, we’d be the best, no question."

    "…"

    "No. Question."

    "…"

    "So, how many bushels can I put you down for?"

    *click*

  10. There are any number of reasons why I might have this expression on my face, but the big one is probably because I have a fluorescent arrow going through my head.

    There are any number of reasons why I might have this expression on my face, but the big one is probably because I have a fluorescent arrow going through my head.