Your Presence Is Surprising


  1. Hi, we’re married.

    Hi, we’re married.

  2. 🎶 She’s a laaady. 
Whoa whoa whoa,
She’s a laaady. 🎶

    🎶 She’s a laaady.
    Whoa whoa whoa,
    She’s a laaady. 🎶

  3. The dog and I are home, now. I’m just sitting on the couch, and the dog is refusing to be with me in favor of laying outside of the gated-off kitchen, where Kris and Ten are making chicken soup, making a series of ever more pitiable noises, as if to say “Help! Help! I am being no-one-is-hand-feeding-me-delicious-chicken-food-murdered!”

    Rest assured, she is getting löts of sympathy.

  4. Thanks for bringing me to the dog park, Dad! I never get the chance to stare longingly at squirrels through a fence at home!

    Thanks for bringing me to the dog park, Dad! I never get the chance to stare longingly at squirrels through a fence at home!

  5. Earlier this week, a co-worker said she saw me walking down the hall, and even though I was quite a distance away she knew it was me because “I saw you do your head thing.”

    We shared a chuckle and I nodded in recognition despite my having absolutely no idea what the fuck she was talking about.

    Really, I just hope I’m unconsciously head banging everywhere I go, because that would be totally metal.

  6. BAD ENOUGH:

    1) Walk into bathroom at work.

    2) See all stalls occupied but one.

    3) Go to unoccupied stall.

    4) Sit.

    5) Notice lingering warmth from previous occupant.

    6) Stifle vomit.

    MUCH WORSE:

    1a) Upon entry, note there is a single human washing their hands.

    7) Envision actual naked ass of hand washing human having just left the space currently occupied by your own naked ass.

    8) Successfully vomit.

  7. Shhhhhh… There’s a Deadpool hiding on my ankle.

    Shhhhhh… There’s a Deadpool hiding on my ankle.

  8. 20 minutes

    Like piranhas on a chocolate cow.

  9. Let’s see how quickly these go.

    Let’s see how quickly these go.

  10. Tonight: on Squirrel Hunters…

    Tonight: on Squirrel Hunters…