Your Presence Is Surprising

    2. Posted 1 day ago 15 notes

  2. I just pretended I was Indiana Jones at the beginning of Raiders when he was stealing the idol

    Except, my idol was a urine-soaked clump of cat litter, and I didn’t have a counter-weight.

    I’m going to get steamrolled by a giant can of Friskies, aren’t I?

    3. Posted 3 days ago 22 notes

  3. From The Annals Of Conversations I Imagine I’ll End Up Having Someday

    [Scene: Me, leaving my office at lunch, with my laptop bag]

    Whomever: Hey there! You leaving already?

    Me: Nope. Just going to lunch.

    Whomever: Oh! You had your bag, so I thought you might be leaving.

    Me: No. I’ll be back. I’m just doing some writing while I eat.

    Whomever: Writing? Oooo, how exciting! What are you writing, The Great American Novel [chuckles]?

    Me: Um…no. No, I’m writing a biography.

    Whomever: Wow! Really? Of who?

    Me: No one, really.

    Whomever: Oh, come on, you can tell me!

    Me: Really, it’s not important.

    Whomever: Come on, please!

    Me: Okay, fine. I’ll tell you.

    Whomever: Yay!

    Me: It’s your mom. I’m writing a biography of your mom.

    Whomever: …

    Me: It’s called, “Not So Loud, The Neighbors Will Hear: Adventures in Ill-Advised Lubrication: A Love Story”

    Whomever: …

    Me: Have a nice day!

    4. Tagged:  It really is a novel   I'm just a dick 

    Posted 4 days ago 16 notes

  4. I BOUGHT THE WRONG FLAVOR OF YOGURT

    I BOUGHT THE WRONG FLAVOR OF YOGURT

    5. Tagged:  I BOUGHT THE WRONG FLAVOR OF YOGURT 

    Posted 4 days ago 21 notes

  5. I Get Emails

    Them: Congratulations on your recent 15-year service anniversary! Please let me know if you would like your name mentioned in an upcoming [company newsletter] and confirm your department name for publishing.

    Me: Thanks! No need to include me in [company newsletter], though. The bitter, open weeping with every congratulatory email would get awkward after a while.

     

    6. Tagged:  I may not be a company man 

    Posted 5 days ago 23 notes

  6. First-draft titles of great works of literature

    tj:

    redcloud:

    wordishness:

    • The Meh Gatsby
    • Moby-Penis
    • Pride and Making a Judgment About Something Before Knowing the Relevant Facts
    • Sun Tzu’s I Fucked Your Mom, So Let’s Fight
    • Dingleberry Finn
    • The Really Angry Grapes
    • For Whom The Bells Will Not Shut The Hell Up
    • The Shortstop in the Rye
    • The Poodle of the Baskervilles
    • Lady Chatterly Gets Busy Yo
    • Killing Mockingbirds is Bad
    • Of Dudes and Other Rodents
    • A Red Letter A
    • War And, If We’re Being Honest, More War
    • One Hundred Years Of Solitude: A Mother’s Day Wish
    • A Portrait Of The Artist As Dorian Gray
    • Pixar’s, The Miserables

    7. Source: wordishness

    Posted 2 weeks ago 55 notes

  7. I JUST CROPDUSTED MY OWN OFFICE

    I JUST CROPDUSTED MY OWN OFFICE

    8. Tagged:  I JUST CROPDUSTED MY OWN OFFICE 

    Posted 2 weeks ago 18 notes

  8. Child: Happy Mother’s Day! I got you a home security system! Mother: Um…thanks? Child: Yup! All those years you watched over me, protected me, now I can return the favor. Mother: Well. Um. Great. That’s great, dear, thank you. Child: The video feed goes straight to my computer, so I can make sure you’re okay all the time. Mother: Now, that seems a little… Child: There are cameras throughout your entire house! Mother: My entire…? Child: No hide and seek for you, right Ma? Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha! Mother: I have to say, I’m not comfortable with… Child: I can also see it on my iPad, or even my phone! So I’ll always be able to watch over you. Mother:… Child: Always. Mother:… Child: Watching. Mother:… Child: You. Mother:… Child [Two fingers to eyes, then out to mother] Mother:… Child [Whispering]: Always. Mother:… Child:… Mother:… Child: I love you so much! [Pinches the mother’s cheek, then leaves] Mother:… Child [Comes back in]: Oh, and maybe see someone about the snoring. It woke me up last night. Mother:… Child: [Muttering to self] Like a goddamn train. Mother:… Child: Toodles!

    Child: Happy Mother’s Day! I got you a home security system!

    Mother: Um…thanks?

    Child: Yup! All those years you watched over me, protected me, now I can return the favor.

    Mother: Well. Um. Great. That’s great, dear, thank you.

    Child: The video feed goes straight to my computer, so I can make sure you’re okay all the time.

    Mother: Now, that seems a little…

    Child: There are cameras throughout your entire house!

    Mother: My entire…?

    Child: No hide and seek for you, right Ma? Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha!

    Mother: I have to say, I’m not comfortable with…

    Child: I can also see it on my iPad, or even my phone! So I’ll always be able to watch over you.

    Mother:…

    Child: Always.

    Mother:…

    Child: Watching.

    Mother:…

    Child: You.

    Mother:…

    Child [Two fingers to eyes, then out to mother]

    Mother:…

    Child [Whispering]: Always.

    Mother:…

    Child:…

    Mother:…

    Child: I love you so much! [Pinches the mother’s cheek, then leaves]

    Mother:…

    Child [Comes back in]: Oh, and maybe see someone about the snoring. It woke me up last night.

    Mother:…

    Child: [Muttering to self] Like a goddamn train.

    Mother:…

    Child: Toodles!

    9. Posted 2 weeks ago 24 notes

  9. Take a bunch of cats, force feed them catnip, then lock them in a room with a piano where the only light source is a rapidly spinning disco ball, and you have what it’s like watching sixty pre-schoolers try to sing “Do-Re-Mi.”

    10. Posted 2 weeks ago 38 notes

  10. Mmmmmmmm. Free coffee.

    Mmmmmmmm. Free coffee.

    11. Posted 2 weeks ago 31 notes